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Novenber humur

Sam Tinkleman sat on the examining tablein the office of Dr. Rosenstein, theworld-famous urologist."My trouble," said Tinkleman, "is that I can't pee.""How old are you?" asked the doctor.Tinkleman said, "I'm one hundred and seven.""Well," said Rosenstein, "you peed enough!" ====================================================================Not being in favour of euthanasia (but we can all name exceptions to the rule) I do not really like the above but it reminds me of the doctor who was aked his views on euthanasia. He said he was against it but some patients thought his receptionists were in favour.

Graham Weeks ● 6910d18 Comments

'A young monk (brother Joseph) arrives at the monastery.  Excited about his new call, he is soon assigned a painstaking but important task--helping a group of monks copy volumes of canon law.However, brother Joseph soon notices that the monks are copying from copies of canon law, they are not consulting the original manuscript. So, brother Joseph sheepishly summons up the courage to go to the head abbot to question this method.  If someone made even the smallest error in an earlier copy, it would never be caught and corrected by those making copies of a copy!  In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.The abbot replied to Joseph's query, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So the abbot hurried off down into the dark archives underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts of canon law were held in a locked vault that hadn't been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the abbot . . .  So, brother Joseph gets quite worried about the old man and goes down to look for him.In the dim light, Joseph sees the abbot banging his head against the wall and wailing in a broken and cracking voice, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”  The abbot's forehead was bloody and bruised and he was crying uncontrollably. Brother Joseph rushes to his side and asks him, "What's wrong, father?"Barely able to utter the words, the old abbot replied, "The word was . . . "CELEBRATE!!!”'

Graham Weeks ● 6901d

http://veryfunnyads.com/index.html?id=25573

Graham Weeks ● 6900d

Are crop circles made by cereal killers?

Alan Brainsby ● 6900d

Why is a short sighted gynaecologist like a puppy?Both have a wet nose.

Graham Weeks ● 6900d

My favorite video clip.http://theospark.blogspot.com/2007/11/fly-yorkshire-airways.html

Graham Weeks ● 6897d

For several years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

Hugh Telford ● 6897d

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientistsfound traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to theconclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than100 years ago.Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, Britishscientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in theUK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 yearold copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had anadvanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than theScots."One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported thefollowing: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee,Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he foundabsolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Irelandhad already gone wireless."

Graham Weeks ● 6894d

      The knock-on effect from the US sub-prime market shows no sign of      letting up in Japan.  In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded,      Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut      some of its branches. Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bankis      up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in      Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back      office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report thatthere      is something fishy going on at Sushi bank and staff fear theycould      get a raw deal.

Graham Weeks ● 6890d

This has been doing the rounds for years but it's worth watching how your cat reacts to it (one of ours was very concerned when it was on the screen).http://home.versateladsl.be/bavertel/fun/swf_ani/monitor_cleaner.swf

Peter Wright ● 6888d

What's the difference between Lewis Hamilton and the England football team ?Lewis will have a McClaren next season.

Niall Connolly ● 6888d

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.  "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued, .. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to Jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped the tears from his cheek and said, ."I would have gotten out today."

Peter Wright ● 6883d

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yeh. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Gerry Tan ● 6883d

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and asmoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hellis that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene:Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day,Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to thepharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviouslyembarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 yearsof age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn'tmatter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted!!

Hugh Telford ● 6882d

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a shot of Novocain during a painful root canal operation?His goal: "Transcend dental medication"

Gerry Tan ● 6882d

Dear old Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced a painful set of calluses on both his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... "A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis"

Gerry Tan ● 6882d

Peter Wright ● 6882d

Just the thing for a Hallowe'en treat!

Alan Brainsby ● 6882d

OH to be British.................. Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?.......Suspicion of anything foreign. Oh and...... Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions ,while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars. and finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.(We might be British but hell we're funny !!)

Peter Wright ● 6881d