Forum Topic

December Humour

10 Husbands A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.""What?" said the puzzled groom."How can that be if you've been married ten times?""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... Well I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!""Good," said the new husband, "but, why?""You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Graham Weeks ● 6879d23 Comments

Peter Wright ● 6875d

Santa's Reindeer. REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, fromRudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-assed man in a red velvet suit all around the worldin one night and not get lost.

Graham Weeks ● 6874d

This one is for saying aloud.- from Classic FM.Why doesn't Santa have an umbrella?He likes the rain, dear.

Graham Weeks ● 6874d

A customer told me today that Richard Branson is going to buy Northern Rock. The new company will be unique; and called Northen Virgin.

Graham Weeks ● 6874d

Which reminds me.What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?A bus stop shelter!

Alan Brainsby ● 6874d

Meanwhile the male reindeer are sitting at home, feet on the table, sipping from a cold beer, watching the game! Laughing……with a hacksaw blade and antler shavings hidden in the corner behind the cabinet! Christmas shopping, its for girls! Live with it!

Peter Wright ● 6874d

While walking  down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and  dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance."Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before yo u settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.""No  problem, just let me in," says the man."Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in  hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend  eternity.""Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"  says the senator."I'm sorry, but we have our rules."And with  that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator a nd he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet  him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly  guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such  a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.Everyone  gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the  elevator rises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door  reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him."! Now it's time  to visit heaven."So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns."Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."The senator reflects  for a minute, then he answers:  "Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking  up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from  above.The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder.I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was  here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.What happened?"The devil looks at him, smiles and says,  "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Graham Weeks ● 6870d

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her firstday promptly at 8:00 AM.The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,putting the entire production line behind schedule.The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 menmarch down to the factory floor.When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo'sall over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it aroundtwo marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena."I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think youmisunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...""Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Graham Weeks ● 6870d

This is a story about> A Fly, a Fish, a Bear> A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.>>>> There is a moral to this story......>> (Maybe not the one> Most of you expect....> So, just read on!)>> In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.>> The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,>> 'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist> From the water and I will be refreshed.'>> There was a fish in the water thinking,>> 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'>> There was a bear on the shore thinking,>> 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches> That fish will jump for the fly...> And I will grab the fish!!'>> It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank> Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....>> 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...> And that fish leaps for it...> That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.> I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'>>> Now, you probably think this is> Enough activity on one river bank,>> But I can tell you there's more....>>> A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,>> 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...> And that fish jumps for that fly..> And that bear grabs for that fish..> The dumb hunter will shoot the bear> And drop his cheese sandwich.'>> A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,> (as was fashionable to do on the banks of> This particular river around lunch time)>> 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..> And that fish jumps for that fly .> And that bear grabs for that fish> And that hunter shoots that bear..> And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .> Then I can have mouse for lunch.'>>> The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he> Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.>> The fish swallows the fly...>>> The bear grabs the fish..>>> The hunter shoots the bear..>>> The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...>>> The cat jumps for the mouse..> The mouse ducks...>> The cat falls into the water and drowns.>>>> NOW, The Moral Of The Story....>>> Whenever a fly goes down three inches,>>>>>>>>>>> Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.

Graham Weeks ● 6870d

Peter Wright ● 6868d

The Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?' ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Hugh Telford ● 6867d

Dead Duck A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery clinic.She laid her pet on the table; the vet pulled out his stethoscope  and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head slowly and said, "Iam sorry, your duck has passed away. "The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and  returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.  As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.The cat jumped up on the examination table and also sniffeddelicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, "I am sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill "£150.00!!!!",she  cried. "£150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!!"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.00."

Peter Wright ● 6867d

Tommy Cooper joke..."Got a new car for the wife last week.""Good swap wasn't it!"

Alan Brainsby ● 6866d

C & P        http://www.busybus.co.uk/design/xmas_santa.swf

Peter Wright ● 6866d

PEANUTS    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.When she is about to hand him another handful, he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?""We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."     It pays to be careful around old people!!!

Peter Wright ● 6866d

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Graham Weeks ● 6866d

How smart is Your Right Foot? Just try this.  It is from an orthopedic surgeon............  This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.  It's preprogrammed in your brain! 1.  While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.   2.  Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.  Your foot will change direction! I told you so!!!  And there's nothing you can do about it!  You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Peter Wright ● 6860d

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little @#$%& is adorable...                     

Hugh Telford ● 6859d

Plese C/P..      http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=baddayoffice

Hugh Telford ● 6859d

"A Great Talmudic Answer"Calling all Talmudic Scholars:Michael Bader, a well respected San Francisco psychoanalystand a member of the Board of Trustees of Beit TikkunSynagogue (and frequently published author in the pagesof TIKKUN) has brought the following question to ourcommunity, and hopes that its best Talmudic scholarsmight think more about it:Is it okay to take V-agra on Shabbat?There are two differing schools of thought on whetheryou can take V-agra on Shabbat:Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of V-iagra onShabbat, lest one violates the infraction of erectinga structure ('boneh').Beit Hillel says do not read it as 'boneh' but as 'boner',and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundownso long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than onehalf hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and yourwife doesn't have a headache.And what bracha does one say before taking theV-agra pill?There is a choice of four blessings:1. Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree;2. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - straightensthose who are bent;3. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;4. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim -raises the dead.Here is a little follow up to the above...Yes, the anti-impotence drug has been found to containa tiny amount of animal matter, rendering it - one wouldthink -treif.But, Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz, an American Kashrutexpert, says that, as a medication that adds pleasure tothe Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it ispermissible. But it is banned during Pesach - alongwith all other agents causing things to rise.

Graham Weeks ● 6859d

Francis House ● 6855d

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester hefoolishly has squandered all of his money. He calls home.  "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing.  They actuallyhave a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk." "That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course." So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.  "So how's Ol' Bluedoing, son?" his father wants to know. "Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm.  But you just won't believe this.  They've had such good resultswith talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read." "Read?!" exclaims his father.  "No kidding!  How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send $4,500.  I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.  But our hero has a problem.  At the end of the year, his father willfind out the dog can neither talk nor read.  So he shoots the dog.  When he arrives home at the end ofthe year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue?  I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drivehome, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.  Thenhe suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaidat the pub?'" The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Graham Weeks ● 6852d

Clean can be funny.  One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ' Tie me up,' she purred, ' and you can do anything you want.' So he tiedher up and went golfing!                                 

Hugh Telford ● 6851d