Forum Topic

January Smile

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Graham Weeks ● 6849d26 Comments

Click HereAnd in case the above does not imbed.go tohttp://mysite.verizon.net/vze201j5/countdown.htm

Graham Weeks ● 6841d

For goodness sakes Graham, that's the last thing we want to be reminded about!  :-(

Gerry Tan ● 6841d

It was posted in the humour thread Gerry :-)Sme years ago Rev N Richardson publically objected to such a sign counting down outside The Bridge Hotel. So you and Neil have a common cause.

Graham Weeks ● 6841d

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.                                       

Hugh Telford ● 6840d

LOL Hugh!There's an old army saying:Old soldiers never die - their privates fade away.  ;-o)

Gerry Tan ● 6840d

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbinoticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk inwith a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked theCantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"Bernie: "The dog came here to pray.""Oh, come on." says the Rabbi."YES!" says Bernie.Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around;that's not a proper thing to do in temple."Bernie: "Its true..!""Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff),"then show me what the dog can do.""OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog.The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neckand removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head)and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers inHebrew!The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is soimpressed with the quality of the praying he saysto Bernie. "Do you think your dog would considergoing to rabbinical school?"Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

Graham Weeks ● 6839d

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing,Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice."No, I've got everything I need," she says."Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."   Moral of the Story : Women are crazy!!!!  Don't mess with them!!

Peter Wright ● 6839d

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning.Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck.".At the next Friday night service, the Rabbiannounced, "I have known many people whohave written letters and forgot to sign their names,but this week I received a letter from someonewho signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.

Graham Weeks ● 6838d

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.    The Doctor told him there is s a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.    Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"    No response.    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"    Still no response.    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"Again he gets no response.    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.    So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Denis , for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!"

Graham Weeks ● 6837d

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out.Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise in alert status was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly" and "Wave Hands Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Only one more level remains i.e.: "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have just two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."--Theo Spark,  Elevated security alerts in Europehttp://theospark.blogspot.com/2007/07/elevated-security-alerts-in-europe.html

Graham Weeks ● 6837d

The Smyrna-based American Duct Tape Council has raised its publicadvisory terror alert status from “high” to “extra double super high”and urged all Americans to “immediately rush out and buy several morerolls of duct tape.”“We don’t want to be alarmist, but we urge all patriotic Americans whodon’t want to die a horrible screaming death, poisoned in their ownhomes, to have at least 275 rolls of duct tape on hand,” says SamuelProfitt, head of the duct tape group. “I know I keep several rolls inevery room of the house, because you never know when terror might strikeand duct tape could stand between you and the grim reaper.”~ Nashville Scene (February 27, 2003)

Graham Weeks ● 6837d

The doctor put the stethoscope on the young girl's chest and said: "Bigbreaths!"She replied: "Yeth, and I'm only thirteen."

Graham Weeks ● 6835d

The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride. 'Well', said the pilot, 'Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.' The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight. Upon landing, the pilot said, 'I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!' 'Aye', said the Scotsman, 'but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out.'

Graham Weeks ● 6834d

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.....Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

Graham Weeks ● 6832d

Brilliant !

Gerry Tan ● 6832d

Seconded....

Hugh Telford ● 6832d

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation " Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied... "Your horse called."

Hugh Telford ● 6832d

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of prostitution 10 milesHe thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of prostitution 5 milesSuddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: Sisters of St. Francis House of prostitution Next rightHis curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: Sisters of St. FrancisHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.' 'Very well, my son. Please follow me.' he is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun says, 'please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall, and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the sisters of St. Francis. Serves you right, you sinner.

Hugh Telford ● 6832d

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's He created night for going prawning,sleeping.and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach,and God saw that it was good. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes,and God saw that it was good. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...Well . Almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

Graham Weeks ● 6832d

Once upon a time a chap called Noah heard a weather forecast for heavy rain. In anticipation of this event he built a vessel called "The Ark".On it he loaded his wife, his sons, their wives, and two of each animal. The rain came and floods occurred. The Ark floated away.After many months the Ark was getting lower in the water and the smell was getting higher.Noah ordered his wife,sons, and their wives to move all the excrement to the back of the Ark. Once it was all together, with a mighty heave, they tipped it off the boat.There it remained until Cook discovered it!

Alan Brainsby ● 6830d

I heard Columbus found it.

Graham Weeks ● 6830d

If it had been stacked on either side of the vessel, to maintain trim, then Tasman would have found it!

Alan Brainsby ● 6830d

Peter Wright ● 6825d

~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~"Help for the Rabbi"This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, onSabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that hewill not renew his contract. He explains that he mustmove on to a larger congregation that will pay himmore. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexusdealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If theRabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus everyyear and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transporttheir children!"The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor,stands and says: "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'llpersonally double his salary, and also establish afoundation to guarantee the college education of allhis children!!"More sighs and loud applause.Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announceswith a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asksher: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you tosay such a thing?"Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying tohide, holding his forehead with the palm of hishand and shaking his head from side to sidewhile his wife replies:"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,and he said,"Screw the Rabbi!'

Graham Weeks ● 6821d

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes ......BOOM!!!A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?''No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.  With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?''No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.'But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?''No' replies the old man, 'I am God.''But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it. Martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!!!''You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?''Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you'.The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?''Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you'.With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts 'Oi you, Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!'

Graham Weeks ● 6821d

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for Answered Prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise." "Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and  his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the Congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every  move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate  operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible reconstructive surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."All the men in the Congregation sighed with relief.The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim ...and I want to tell my wife, ONE MORE TIME, the word is STERNUM."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Graham Weeks ● 6820d