Forum Topic

February humour

This says it all ............ School 1977 vs. School 2007 Many a true word is spoken in jest but……. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates. 2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites. Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students. 1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper. 1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion. Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school . 1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area. 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English. 1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college. 2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. 1977 - Ants die. 2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay

Peter Wright ● 6818d26 Comments

Canadian vintners, in the Okanagan Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that  acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.  The new wine will be marketed as... PINO MORE I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

Graham Weeks ● 6817d

The Blonde Mortician A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice." >> > "So I just switched the heads."

Hugh Telford ● 6813d

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB!!! Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.   If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.   If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.   If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.   If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.   If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.   If they are sleeping. Put them in reception   If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.   If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.   If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.   If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.   If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.   And then last but not least.   If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in top management.

Peter Wright ● 6811d

> > There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to> > process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter> > came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.> > He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter> > read: 'Dear God,> > I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday> > someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I> had> > until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had> invited> > two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing> to> > buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.> > Can you please help me?> > Sincerely,> > Edna'> >> > The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other> > workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few> > dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which> > they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,> > all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she> > would be able to share with her friends.> > Christmas came and went.> > A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.> All> > the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,> > 'Dear God,> > How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of> your> > gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We> had> > a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.> > By the way, there was $4 missing.> > I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.> >> > Sincerely,Edna

Graham Weeks ● 6809d

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.' A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You scumbag!' The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.' Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You despicable scumbag !!!' The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?' Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I've lived next door to that scumbag and every time I asked to borrow a spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

Graham Weeks ● 6808d

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the clouds opened in the sky above his head and in a booming voice the Lord says: “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”The man says: “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”The Lord says: “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.”The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he says, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”The Lord replies: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

David Fox ● 6806d

The school librarian was showing some new kids around the library when one of them pointed at some huge volumes of Encyclopaedia Britanica stacked on a shelf.“What are all these books?” he asked.The librarian replied that they were encyclopedias.“Really?” he said. “Someone printed out the whole thing?”

David Fox ● 6806d

Heavy snow had buried Maggie's car. Her husband, Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the car back and forth and finally pushed her out. She was driving down the road when she heard an odd noise, picked up her mobile and called home. "Thank God you answered," she said when Scott picked up. "There's this alarming sound coming from under the car. For a moment I thought I was dragging you down the street."Scott replied: "And you didn't stop?"

David Fox ● 6806d

Heere Bigynneth the Tale of the Asse-Hatte.An Archbishop of Canterbury Tale With apologies to Geoffrey Chaucer 1  Whan in Februar, withe hise global warmynge2  Midst unseasonabyl rain and stormynge3  Gaia in hyr heat encourages4  Englande folke to goon pilgrimages.5  Frome everiches farme and shire 6  Frome London Towne and Lancanshire7  The pilgryms toward Canterbury wended8  Wyth fyve weke holiday leave extended9  In hybryd Prius and Subaru10  Off the Boughton Bypasse, east on M2.11  Fouer and Twyntie theye came to seke12  The Arche-Bishop, wyse and meke13  Labouryte and hippye, Gaye and Greene 14  Anti-warre and libertyne15  All sondry folke urbayne and progressyve16  Vexed by Musselmans aggressyve.17  Hie and thither to the Arche-Bishop's manse18  The pilgryms ryde and fynde perchance19  The hooly Bishop takynge tea20  Whilste watching himselfe on BBC.21  Heere was a hooly manne of peace22  Withe bearyd of snow and wyld brows of fleece23  Whilhom stoode athwart the Bush crusades24  Withe peace march papier-mache paraydes.25  Sayeth the pilgryms to Bishop Rowan, 26  "Father, we do not like howe thynges are goin'.27  You know we are as Lefte as thee,28  But of layte have beyn chaunced to see29  From Edinburgh to London-towne30  The Musslemans in burnoose gowne31  Who beat theyr ownselfs with theyr knyves32  Than goon home and beat theyr wyves33  And slaye theyr daughtyrs in honour killlynge34  Howe do we stoppe the bloode fromme spillynge?"35  The Bishop sipped upon hys tea36  And sayed, "an open mind must we37  Keep, for know thee well the Mussel-man38  Has hys own laws for hys own clan39  So question not hys Muslim reason40  And presaerve ye well social cohesion."41  Sayth the libertine, "'tis well and goode42  But sharia goes now where nae it should;43  I liketh bigge buttes and I cannot lye, 44  You othere faelows can't denye,45  But the council closed my wenching pub,46  To please the Imams, aye thaere's the rub."47  Sayeth the Bishop, strokynge his chin,48  "To the Mosque-man, sexe is sinne49  So as to staye in his goode-graces50  Cover well thy wenches' faces51  And abstain ye Chavs from ribaldry52  Welcome him to our communitie."53  "But Father Williams," sayed the Gaye-manne 54  "Though I am but a layman55  The Mussleman youthes hath smyte me so56  Whan on streets I saunter wyth my beau."57  Sayed the Bishop in a curt replye58  "I am as toolrant as anye oothere guy,59  But if Mussleman law sayes no packynge fudge,60  Really nowe, who are we to judge?"61  Then bespake the Po-Mo artist,62  "My last skulptyure was hailed as smartest63  Bye sondry criticks at the Tate64  Whom called it genius, brillyant, greate65  A Jesus skulpted out of dunge66  Earned four starres in the Guardian;67  But now the same schtick withe Mo-ha-med68  Has earned a bountye on my hed."69  Sayed the Bishop, "that's quyte impressyve70  To crafte a Jesus so transgressyve71  But to do so with the Muslim Prophet72  Doomed thy neck to lose whats off it.73  Thou should have showen mor chivalrie74  In committynge such a blasphemie."75  And so it went, the pilgryms all76  Complaynynge of the Muslim thrall;77  To eaches same the Bishop lectured78  About the cultur fabrick textured79  With rainbow threyds from everie nation80  With rainbow laws for all situations.81  "But Father Rowan, we bathyr nae one 82  We onlye want to hav our funne!"83  "But the Musselman is sure to see84  Thy funne as Western hegemony.85  'Tis not Cristian for Cristians to cause86  The Moor to live by Cristendom's laws87  Whan he has hise sovereyn culture88  Crist bade us put ours in sepulture.89  To be divyne we must first be diverse90  So cheer thee well, thynges could be wors91  Sharia is Englishe as tea and scones,92  So everybody muste get stoned."93  The pilgryms shuffled for the door94  To face the rule of the Moor;95  Poets, Professors, Starbucks workers96  Donning turbans, veils and burqqas.97  As they face theyr fynal curtan98  Of Englande folk, one thynge is certan:99  Dying by theyr own thousande cuts, 100  The Englande folk are folking nuts.

Graham Weeks ● 6805d

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing hisshirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed theforehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched withInterest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th raceHorses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the Foreheadof one of the horses.Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on theHorse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priesthad blessed won the race.Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse thepriest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continuedthe priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming Infirst.Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race,Heknew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to theATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that wouldtell him which horse to bet on.True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last raceand blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves Of theold nag.Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. Hethen watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a stateof shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All daylong you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the Horseyou blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every centof my savings - all of it!".The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's theproblem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simpleblessing and last rites."

Graham Weeks ● 6804d

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smokeThe third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:The first worm in alcohol - Dead.The second worm in cigarette smoke - DeadThird worm in chocolate syrup - DeadFourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.So the Minister asked the congregation -What can you learn from this demonstration?Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"That pretty much ended the service!

Graham Weeks ● 6800d

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry forbeing more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland,he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap hishands, once every few seconds.Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap myhands, a child in Africa dies."A voice with a deep and sharp Scottish accent from the crowd pierced the silence..."Well, f*****n' stop doin' it then, ya evil bastard!"

Graham Weeks ● 6798d

A Virus Warning - but please do read this, unlike the usual hoaxes that circulate which are simply designed to clog up the email airwaves:"There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected."

Peter Wright ● 6798d

If you've got time to waste.    http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

Peter Wright ● 6796d

Whoever came up with that should be a contender for an IgNobel Award...

Alan Brainsby ● 6795d

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagersthat he would buy monkeys for $10 each.The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to theforest, and started catching them.The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, thevillagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buyat $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catchingmonkeys again.Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back totheir farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeysbecame so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catchit!The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since hehad to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy onbehalf of him.In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at allthese monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell themto you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them tohim for $50 each."The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeyseverywhere!Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Graham Weeks ● 6794d

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Hugh Telford ● 6793d

When I was born, God gave me two choices... 1) I could either have a good memory...] or 2) I could be good in bed!!!! Ahhh...I forget...what were we talking about?

Hugh Telford ● 6793d

The French Navy have adopted a new slogan to inspire their sailors to bravery and glory in the name of France. Translated it reads "To the water! The hour has come". Or, in French: A l'eau! C'est l'heure."

Leon Markham ● 6792d

Mon dieu, que c'est dur!

Alan Brainsby ● 6792d

Yes and to use a Dellboyism, 'sack the blues'!

Gerry Tan ● 6792d

Have the Frenchies got a navy? I thought we blew the **** out of it in 1805.

Alan Brainsby ● 6792d

I believe we sank it in WW2 too.

Graham Weeks ● 6792d

Actually I think I've seen it, in a boating pond in the Luxembourg Gardens or the Tuileries.

Alan Brainsby ● 6792d

Peter Wright ● 6792d

I still cannot remember how to post pics so,The Grand Mufti of Canterbury Has Spoken Go to my friend Celal's blog http://icarusredeemed.blogspot.com/ for a Cantuar picture

Graham Weeks ● 6792d