Forum Topic

November smile

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation' Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 4 months vacation and five good leads.'

Graham Weeks ● 6542d13 Comments

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can>> take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have Him looking>> for work in six weeks.' A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! InGermany>> , we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have Him>> looking for work in four weeks.'A Russian doctor said, 'In my country>> medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, putit>> in another, And have them both looking for work in two weeks.'TheEnglish>> doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of>> Scotland , Put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the countrylooking>> for work within twenty-four hours

Graham Weeks ● 6524d

An Indian walks into a restaurant with a shotgun In one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other He says to the waiter: ' Want Coffee! The waiter says, ' Sure Chief. Coming right up! He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee in one gulp. Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun. Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere. And then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling Another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to The waiter ' Want Coffee! The waiter says, Whoa, Tonto! We are still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway? The Indian smiles and proudly says, ' Training for position in United States Congress' ' Come in, drink coffee, shoot the Bull, Leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day....

Hugh Telford ● 6520d

An elderly Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread." So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply. So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply. So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again. The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?" The old Jew replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!" So a question for the PC brigade. I was sent this by a Jewish friend. If I pass it on does it become racist humour?

Graham Weeks ● 6519d

No.It's fine.And quite funny.

Sara Nathan ● 6516d

A jewish mate told me this:What's a jewish dilema?Pork chops,half price!

Keith Iddon ● 6516d

Somehow don't you think that's dodgier? The fabled meanness of Jews has always been something serious anti-semites have deployed. And yet no community is more generous, gives more to charity nor supports its own with more enthusiasm. And if you look at the lists of sponsors of English (as opposed to Jewish as my husband's uncle would say) Arts, a totally disproportionate number are from the tiny Jewish community.Yet the myth lives on. I wonder why that is?

Sara Nathan ● 6515d

Because in the middle ages the much persecuted Jews were the only people allowed to lend money. Usury was an offence if done by Christians. So the jealosy started. Also the Scots are supposed to be mean. But surely history tells us that Scotland was poor. If i was poor i would be more carefull with money.

Peter Chadburn ● 6515d

That's a bit of a misnomor too........spent loads of time in Scotland and have never ever found them anything but hospitable, witty and generous. I don't think they (in general terms here before we start another wild rant ! ) waste money on fripperies but they make foreignors feel welcome imho.Losing the Scots would be a big blow to the UK....

Penny Crocker ● 6515d

We are in no danger of losing the Scots, nor I think of losing Scotland from the Union. Despite all their blether about it being their oil, they know they enjoy fiscal benefits at the expense of the maligned English. They know who butters their bread,I do not know why we view the Scots as mean. Why do Scots single out Aberdonians as tight? As to mean Jews. I think the stereotype comes from ignorance, envy and a perception of looking after one's own people primarily.

Graham Weeks ● 6514d

This came to me from a friend of a friend. Didn't want to give it a thread to itself for fear of attracting abuse."We are shattered by the tragic events of the past few days.  The Taj is still burning, the British Council library is filled with stranded traumatized Brits,  and then there is  Nariman House, the  Chabad House which was stormed by Indian forces today where they found 5 dead hostages, including  those of Rabbi Gabi Holtzberg and his wife Rivki.  Theirs is a huge loss to  the world, and more specifically to many visitors to Mumbai.I have known Rabbi Holtzberg and his wife Rivka ever since I moved to Mumbai 2 and a half years ago. I arrived the week of Passover 2006, found them on the internet and then spent both seders with them in their forecourt with up to 60 other visitors and had the memorable pleasure of enjoying truly joyous seders, helped no doubt by the consumption of 5 full cups of 'kosher grape juice' which was actually fortified kosher wine labelled 'juice' to avoid import duty, and watched by local Indians hanging over the gates staring at this strange bunch of people singing songs in a foreign language with great gusto.  They were an exceptional couple. He was  just 30, a very young, unassuming man, ever dedicated to helping people around him. He was non-interfering and never preaching religion, nor did he ever belittle any other religion. He was an official emmisary of the Jewish Chabad movement and his only aim has been to guide Jews towards G-d and inculcate spirituality -- he spent a lot of time praying.  She was a loving wife, 28 yrs old,  deeply spiritual, wholly supportive of the their mission in life.  Always smiling, always welcoming and a good cook. She and Sandra served a delicous kosher meat dinner every night of the week at 8pm to an unknown quantity of visitors, ranging from Israeli travellers, Belgian diamond dealers, American businessman, French tourists... anything from 10 to 30 on a weeknight and shabbat was always overflowing with visitors.A visit to  chabad is free, no charge, no expectation, just turn up and find yourself welcomed into their home.  We found a way to give back by occasionally sending our Muslim driver to the airport to meet visitors who had come in with suitcases filled with Kosher goods for the Holtzbergs, and deliver them to Chabad House, suitcases so heavy that 2 people had to carry them in along a cobbled lane.  Our driver was forever enriched by this endeavour.Few know of the personal hardships they suffered. Rabbi Holtzberg and Rivka's first-born child, a son, was born with a terminal blood condition (Tay-Sachs) that claimed his life. After that, their second son was also born with the same disease -- he cannot be more than 3-and-a-half years old and is currently in hospital back in Israel. They visited him only in September and when they came back they reported that all hope of his surviving is lost.  Then came  Moishe (the Holtzbergs's youngest son),  their beloved child who turns 2  tomorrow/today  -- he was miraculously freed by Sandra, his nanny/cook who had barricaded herself into a closet, came out when she heard him crying and managed to escape from the building on Thursday).I last spoke to Gabi on Thursday last week to ask him if there was a Chabad for Natasha who is in Darjeeling. It is the first time I had spoken to him in 2 months and his response to hearing my voice was so warm and welcoming, genuinely interested in my welfare,  and and we  agreed that now I was back in Mumbai for some time, I would stop being a stranger and  would come for shabbat dinner this week i.e. tonight. Natasha would insist that we went to Chabad every time she visited Bombay because she found them so warm and welcoming and I am angry  that my daughter, alone up in the Himalayas, should be so saddened by grief created by such evil. As soon as we heard  on Wednesday night that terrorists had stormed the Chabad House, we had this horrible sensation this invasion was not a random one.  How right we were. To think of them as dead is unbearable, and they will live on in our memories as a vital vivacious ouple, young enough to be my children, with an outreach capacity far ahead of their youth.In Bombay, we live in harmony --  and this is devastating for this city. For this country. And for the world. Such planned evil, cowardice and bestiality, makes it a very unsafe place. Thank you all for thinking of us with your calls, your messages.  All we can ask is for you to pick up on the words of another Chabad rabbi on CNN, a man who grew up and studied with Gabi, whose advice was to counter evil with good deeds and to celebrate Moshe's 2nd birthday today with an act of kindness to another.in sadness and with love"

Sara Nathan ● 6514d

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.                        ************************** A nine-year-old lad walks into a pub and yells at the barmaid for a Scotch on the rocks.'Do you want to get me into trouble?' she replies.'Maybe later,' says the boy, 'but not now, just want a drink!'                    ******************************* A woman walks into the doctor's surgery but doesn't like the way he's looking at her.When he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she disrobes. After he turns out the lights she says: "Where will I put my clothes?""Hang them up over here," he says. "Next to mine."                        *********************************

Hugh Telford ● 6513d

Vladimir Putin calls up George Bush on a pressing matter of state. “Our largest condom factory has exploded,” says the Russian President. “Mr Putin, our people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replies his American counterpart. "Excellent,” says Putin. “Could you please send over a million condoms ASAP?”“I’ll get right on it,” says Bush. “Just one thing,” says Putin. “Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" wide?” "No problem," replies Bush. He hangs up and calls prophylactic maker Trojan to ask for a million condoms. The President reiterates: “They need to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide,”“Consider it done,” says Trojan. “Anything else?” “Yeah,” says the President. “Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL" on each one.”                              **************************************

Hugh Telford ● 6513d

bobby osborne ● 6513d