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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,'You Sign! You sign!'Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,'You Sign! You sign!'Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.The next day he hears a knock at the door again.When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,'You sign! You sign!'Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:(It's a beauty)(Wait for it)(Get your best Chinese accent ready) 'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

Graham Weeks ● 6420d

Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Graham Weeks ● 6419d

IIRC it was an Irishman's brain before.Lost in translationWonderful English from Around the WorldIn a Bangkok temple:IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.Cocktail lounge , Norway:LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.Doctors office, Rome:SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.Dry cleaners, Bangkok:DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.In a Nairobi restaurant:CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.On a poster at Kencom:ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.In a City restaurant:OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.In a cemetery:PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWNGRAVES .Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS INBED.On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.In a Tokyo bar:SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.Hotel , Yugoslavia:THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.Hotel , Japan:YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIETCOMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest:IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OFDIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENTUNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.Hotel, Zurich:BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX INTHE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.A laundry in Rome:LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOODTIME.

Graham Weeks ● 6418d

Being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a notorious dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store.There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind,  Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by thehidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.The next day in the newspaper,The headline declared............(You're going to hate me for this)   Scroll down"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!"  

Peter Chadburn ● 6418d

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."  Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how  about Tom Cruise?"  "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."  So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's  door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"  Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.  "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.  "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.  "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."  And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."  Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally  convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts  to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.  "The Pope," his boss replies.  "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly  to Rome .  Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican 's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."  He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican .  Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope  on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a  heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"  His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell  is that on the balcony with Dave?" 

Penny Crocker ● 6412d

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,......silver, topaz, and amethyst.Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ......... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Peter Chadburn ● 6411d

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutablescientific fact*.*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that thegerms from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes ofpeople living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what ismedically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught,he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in halfand compete in all other kinds of manly activities.4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntarygroans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable painthey are in.5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if theirsimple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Isthat really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lotsof other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bedand come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awfulcondition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they arethe greatest heroes this country has ever known.8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of fullblown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her headliterally fell off.9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and TheA-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'ladymedicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victimof Man-Flu.10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying aroundenjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical factthat the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice hasremarkable soothing powers.Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women,all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind wordsand your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'llbeat this monstrous disease together.Be Strong, Men! Together we can survive........

Graham Weeks ● 6411d

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the womanhappy.Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes andpoints are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing somethingshe expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.> > > >> > > >Here is a guide to the points system.> > > >> > > >SIMPLE DUTIES:> > > >You make the bed .............................................+1> > > >You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0> > > >You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1> > > >You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5> > > >You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0> > > >When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1> > > >When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2> > > >You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5> > > >in the snow.......................+8> > > >but return with beer..............-5> > > >and no liners....................-25> > > >You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0> > > >You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0> > > >You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5> > > >You pummel it with a six iron.................................+10> > > >It's her cat..................................................-40> > > >> > > >AT A PARTY> > > >You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0> > > >You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College> > > >drinking buddy................................................-2> > > >Named Tiffany.................................................-4> > > >Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-6> > > >With breast implants..........................................-18> > > >> > > >HER BIRTHDAY> > > >You take her out to dinner.................................... 0> > > >You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1> > > >Okay, it is a sports bar......................................-2> > > >And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3> > > >It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is> painted> > > >the> > > >colors of your favorite team..............................-10> > > >> > > >A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS> > > >Go with a pal.................................................+5> > > >The pal is happily married....................................+4> > > >Or frighteningly single.......................................-7> > > >And he drives a Ferrari.......................................-10> > > >With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...................-15> > > >> > > >A NIGHT OUT WITH HER> > > >> > > >You take her to a movie.......................................+2> > > >You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4> > > >You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6> > > >You take her to a movie you like..............................-2> > > >It's called Death Cop 3.......................................-3> > > >Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9> > > >You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.........-15> > > >> > > >YOUR PHYSIQUE> > > >> > > >You develop a noticeable pot belly............................-15> > > >You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of> > > >it............................................................+10> > > >You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans andbaggy> > > >Hawaiian shirts...............................................-30> > > >You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...............-800> > > >> > > >THE BIG QUESTION> > > >> > > >She asks, "Do I look fat?" You hesitate in> > > >responding....................................-10> > > >You reply, "Where?"...........................................-35> > > >Any other response............................................-20> > > >> > > > COMMUNICATION> > > >> > > >When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a> > concerned> > > >expression................. 0> > > >You listen, for over 30 minutes...............................+5> > > >You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the> > > >TV............................................................+100> > > >She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep...........-200

Graham Weeks ● 6411d

*TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.*BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible.*SEAGULL MANAGER.A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.*ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.*SALMON DAY.The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.*CUBE FARM.An office filled with cubicles.*PRAIRIE DOGGING.When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)*SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, And Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.*SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.*AEROPLANE BLONDE.One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.*ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and  file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes.* 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 not found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.*OH - NO SECOND.That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').*JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wears to show their level of training. *GOING FOR A McSHIT.Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,  you're just going to the bog. (Loo) If challenged by a pimply staff member,  your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.*MILLENNIUM DOMES.The contents of a wonder bra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. *AUSSIE KISS.Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.*GREYHOUND. A very short skirt only an inch from the hare.* SALAD DODGER.An excellent phrase for an overweight person.* SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.* MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.* MYSTERY BUS.The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.* MYSTERY TAXI.The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. * BEER COAT.The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.* BEER COMPASS.The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.* BREAKING THE SEAL.Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.* TART FUEL.Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.* PICASSO BUM.A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks  A couple of othersBack hamsters - the bulge under the bra when it's too tight and fat protrudes like a hamster stuck under a carpetCanckles - when a large lady has no definition in her legs and the calf and ankle don't seem to be separateBingo Wings- the flaps of skin under the arm that keep on waving after someone shouts house and waves the winning card in the airBeer Faeries - you couldn't have spent that much on beer last night, the beer faeries must have raided you wallet while you were sleeping it off

Graham Weeks ● 6396d

So anyone who has anything critical to say about AMJA is a luvvie.? Yes and nine times out of ten they usually are. And I might add ready and eager to surrender everything we have held dear for centuries, meanwhile stuffing their faces in upmarket (in their minds)restaurants!Of course I have nothing better to do than rant, can't afford much else, thanks to you luvvies, focusing only on minorities, recycling, carbon footprints, melting ice, holes in the atmosphere........and other PC nonsense I do not wish to WIN friends thats what you luvvies do to impress, I have many, you may rest assured that you would not be a candidate, I am far too fussy and choosey, perhaps when you get wised up, I may then interview you, to see if you qualify  OK? "And if he thinks I am not a critic of Ifty he really does not read all the  posts." Yes and I bet Ifty is shaking in his shoes knowing thatDoes that mean you are content to watch and listen to the abusive so called demonstrations, against our service people, and utterings of the other bunch of workshy scrotes. Anything to say about them luvvie, when you do, you will not then be an undesirable luvvie, you can revert back to being a plain young idiot again!I would hazzard a guess that plod has felt your collar for a motoring offence at some time. Yes I do support the police and their use of section 165  of the ROAD TRAFFIC ACT. Many thousands of drivers have been prosecuted for driving without Insurance, MOT, Licence, driving on a provisional licence, notwithstanding that many other crimes and criminals were apprehended for burglary, going eqipped, failing to appear in court, not to mention  drug users and pushers...my support for plod is unconditional on these occasions. I take it that with your usual snide remarks, you want these nutters to run riot on the roads do you? Remember sonny, one of these drivers without Insurance or never having passed adriving test, may just smash into and injure you or even kill you. Think about it? Innocent motorists my arse!

Andrew Michael John Atkinson ● 6395d