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August smile?

'Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.The Top 10 jokes were judged to be: • 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" • 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'." • 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong." • 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West." • 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending." • 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." • 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!" • 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble." • 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't." • 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them." 'I only found 4,5 and 9 at all funny and none very good :-(

Graham Weeks ● 6245d15 Comments

Subject: Your yearly Dementia Test***********************************      Your Yearly Dementia TestIt's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2.. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks,what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.  4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .)Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engineis also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can doso and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germanyand West Germany .Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'? Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator. You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .In London , 17 people get on the bus.In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on.In Swindon , two people get off and four g et on.In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on.In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you. PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!                       **********************

Hugh Telford ● 6243d