Forum Topic

November smile

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104." My father, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very few wants. Last fall my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little help in choosing a suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa, what would you like for your birthday this year?" "Nothing," he replied. "But, Pa," she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year." "Well," he answered, "I'm still using it."

Graham Weeks ● 6168d5 Comments

and then the fight started.....My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started...                 **********************************Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started....                 ********************************After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started.

Hugh Telford ● 6166d

The Hitman's story Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'you're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?''I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response.'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Blazer .338 caliber sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.''That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.....and he's naked, too!!!He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?''I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.''Can you do two for me now?''Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'  

Hugh Telford ● 6166d

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

Graham Weeks ● 6156d

Two Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.'hey lad' they say 'gissa lift'.The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs.The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.'I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already'.

Philip Slater ● 6151d

A young ventriloquist with his dummy on his knee, starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little s**t on your knee."

Philip Slater ● 6151d