Every country has those who are the but of the jokes, but sometimes the mockery is for yourselves or the rulers.ArgentinaA policeman stops a Galician and demands, "Give me your first name and surname.""You want what?" the Galician replies. "And what about afterwards? What will I call myself?"AustraliaTwo Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie appears. The genie grants them one wish only.Without giving it much thought, the lamp finder says, "Turn the ocean into VB!"The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances.The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going, mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."BrazilA Portuguese man visited Brazil and was amazed by what he saw. So many inventions! Such landscapes! He bought a box of matches and sent them to his wife, Maria, back in Portugal. Months later he received a letter: "Jo?o, I loved the presents, thanks. But the box of matches didn't work quite like you said they would."Surprised, Jo?o replied that day: "Maria, I don't understand! I tested them all before I sent them."CongoA Congolese minister visits a Cuban minister, who invites him to his stunning mansion. The Congolese minister asks how he paid for it. The Cuban minister takes the Congolese minister to the window and points outside to a sparkling strip of tarmac. "You see that road? Well, my ministry oversaw it. And I took 10 per cent for myself." The Congolese minister nods thoughtfully.Years later, the Cuban minister pays a return visit. The Congolese minister can't wait to greet him and take him to his mansion, which is even more sumptuous than the one he had visited years before. "Wow, how did you do this?" asks the Cuban minister. The Congolese minister takes him to the window and points out at the overgrown scrubland that fills the view: "I commissioned a road, too - 100 per cent!"FranceA Belgian puts a coin in a vending machine and gets a Coca-Cola. He puts a second coin in and gets a second Coca-Cola. He puts a third coin in ... and so on. A Frenchman waiting behind him says, "You certainly like Coca-Cola.""Why stop playing when I'm winning," replies the Belgian.IcelandA Norwegian, a Faroese and an Icelander are about to be executed. Each one gets a final wish. The Faroese asks for a final feast of sour shark and dried whale meat for everyone. The Icelander asks to be allowed to compose an epic poem in the old style about how cruelly he is being treated and about how great Iceland is. The Norwegian thinks for a while, and then says: "Can I be executed before the poem is read and the food is served?"IsraelTwo Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading. One has a quality newspaper, the other an anti-Semitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more - the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear program and the suffering economy and growing anti-Semitism across Europe ..." He points to theanti-Semitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."New ZealandAn Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, with the help of good lawyers, they get their sentences cut on appeal to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it is a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finishes, and the benevolent sheikh decides they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.As they are preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announces, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."The South African is first. He thinks fora while, then says, "Please tie a pillow to my back."This is done, but the pillow lasts only 10 lashes before the whip goes through. When the punishment is done, the South African has to be carried away, bleeding and crying with pain.The Australian is next up. After watching the South African's horror, he says smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows can take only 15 lashes before the whip goes through and the Australian is soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).The New Zealander is the last one up, but before he can say anything, the sheikh turns to him and says, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!""Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Kiwi replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes.""Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?""Tie the Australian to my back."NigeriaA man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What dothey do here?"He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.""But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?""Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."NorwayA Norwegian truck driver was transporting a load of penguins to the aquarium in Bergen. In the middle of a mountain pass, his truck broke down, and while he was standing by the side of the road, a Swedish truck driver pulled over. The Swede asked if he could help, and the Norwegian asked if he could take the penguins to the aquarium. The next day, the Norwegian made it to Bergen. At the first traffic light, he caught sight of the Swede standing at the junction with the penguins in a row behind him, waiting on the light."What on earth are you doing?" the Norwegian asked. "You were supposed to take those penguins to the aquarium."The Swede replied, "That was yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the movies."PakistanRobber: "Give me all your money."Zardari: "Do you know who I am?"Robber: "No."Zardari: "I am Zardari, President of Pakistan."Robber: "Okay, give me all my money."PalestineA Palestinian policeman is patrolling the beach of Gaza at night when he stumbles on a couple making out. He is about to arrest them when he realises it is Arafat and his wife, Suha. "So sorry, chief," the policeman fumbles as he tries to get away as fast as he can. But Arafat is adamant: "Arrest me! I have just launched an anti-corruption campaign and that's how the rule of law works - no special cases." Reluctantly, the policeman takes Arafat and Suha to the station, where the Palestinian leader receives a 100 shekel fine. Suha must pay 200. "Why's that?" asks Arafat. Comes the answer: "For you it was a first offence."RussiaRussian President Dmitry Medvedev sits in the driver's seat of a new car, examines the inside, the instrument panel and the pedals. He looks around, but the steering wheel is missing.He turns to Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and asks: "Vladimir Vladimirovich, where is the steering wheel?"Putin pulls a remote control out of his pocket and says, "I'll be the one doing the driving."South AfricaThe name Van der Merwe in South Africa is like Smith in English-speaking countries:Van der Merwe is driving home after too much to drink at a pub. A policeman pulls him over and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"Van der Merwe decides to admit it: "Yes, I have.""Did you know," the cop says, "that at the last traffic roundabout, your wife fell out of the car?""Oh, thank God," says Van der Merwe."I thought I'd gone deaf."
Graham Weeks ● 5494d